Who can comprehend me better?

My eyes instantly shut down and then opened like two flashlight beams.

The thrill of waking up has faded. I briefly experience being complete again, yet it vanishes as quickly as summer rain off scorched land. My head is again flooded with information as if it were all brand new.

Mom, Because of how I’ve been acting around the house the past few days, you might have deduced that I might have been attacked by another soul. Even though I’ve always been mean to you guys, I always come back here to my room and regret what I did. I wish I could kill myself up for always hurting you and dad, but I can’t, I don’t have that guts. I wish I could make you the happiest person in the world, but I can’t because a decision I listen to yours will change the course of my life.

Due to the circumstances in my life, I frequently beg God, “Why don’t you kill me instead?” I feel like such a burden, being elderly and living with my parents, and neither society nor my parents think well of me. Mom has always remarked that she hopes that by the time Diwali rolls around, Pinka would be engaged, but nothing is changed yet so far. It’s quite difficult for me to stroll through the streets grinning. People only approached me at the temple to offer advice, saying, “Pray to this god and you’ll find a life partner soon.” When family members visit, they inquire to my mother, “Kahi baat bani kya iski?” When dad’s friends come over, they inquire: “So are all your daughters married now?” I know it hurts you to respond to those repeated questions, but I feel helpless as well. I cry a lot when I see my father’s worn-out face. It really upsets me to hear about Mom’s health because I know you guys are implicitly telling me that you guys are becoming old and you guys want to see my kids get married until you guys are healthy, which is what you guys always meant. I never want to let you both down, so please pray to God on my behalf as well. I am also eagerly anticipating the arrival of all the happiness.

The rest of society won’t comprehend what’s going through my head, but since you know where my heart is rather well, why don’t you be patient and send me good vibes? Marriage to him is the best dream I have ever seen, and if I am as strong as I am now, it’s because I love him so much, mom. I had pictured Dhulha, who is waiting for his bride at the mandap, as my future husband. I can’t ruin my lifetime happiness just because of social pressure, am I right? I acknowledge that his parents aren’t pleased right now, but I have no doubt that he will one day make things right. No love story begins easily; it takes time to win someone over. You two agreed with him, but that does not imply that his parents will also accept me as well. So if you would kindly give me some more time, I promise to make your name proud in the future. Anyhow, one day I’ll get married and move live with my in-laws. Why don’t you accept this and allow me to be content at least until then, pressure-free?

I’ll miss these days the most after I am married, so please help me to create only beautiful memories here. Please be patient and give me some time to be tranquil and happy with you and dad. From the past, till now I wanted to say to you this, thanks for everything you’ve done for me and for your encouragement. Even though you didn’t have to do as much, I’m delighted you did since it proves to me how much you care for me. How fortunate I am to have parents like you!