What are we today??

It has taken a while to write on Medium. I tried to write a blog before I left for Kolhapur, but I deleted it since I had written it in too much rage and didn’t want you to read it. I believe you even stopped visiting my Medium page because you assumed I had found happiness and wouldn’t write anymore.

Days later, panditji’s predictions proved to be too accurate. I was ecstatic, believing that now I am yours alone and that this was God’s plan all along. When I saw your mother in Mumbai, I was thinking to myself, “Aunty, now that I know what the future holds, you can ignore me for the time being, but you’ll have to accept me as your bahu afterward.” However, my faith was a little dented when my sister’s mother-in-law mentioned that they had asked your parents for a final response once more and that they had told them that if Prateek was still opposed to marriage, they needed to know before she was paired up somewhere. It did break me, but there were times when I felt a little more confident, wondering why I was worrying about all of this when I already knew what our fate was. I confided in Prateek and asked him to give me some time because, at the time, I had no good excuses for telling them no directly and was under extreme pressure to speak to him alone.

Even though I argued with my family members at home for talking about ristas, they are still reluctant to bring up the subject in front of me now. My parents and siblings sensed that we are in touch once more, which is why I am waiting for you right now. However, this time they were restrained and avoided bringing up any issues regarding us because they now understand that if they mention you in any way, I will set my house on fire once more. As a result, they no longer use your name or bring up any ristas. I began to pray as usual for us, but as my faith wanes and my suffering increases, I am still asking God for help.

Until that day when I shared with you some trivial past and you took it too seriously, I was confident that once we got married, there would be no more arguments between us. For you, my love for all these years was rendered useless, but that past topic became so significant that you and I fought so bitterly about it. This made me hurt you as well because there was no way you would stop that, and it made me hurt you as well. I am very worried about our future together because I know you will be hurt just as much as I am, and I know you love me just as much as I love you. What if we fight again over something as simple as if I don’t complete some of your work, and you drag that issue out and make it significant, and we end up correcting each other’s mistakes and failing to live up to our expectations? I never want something like that to occur between us, Papa. Since 2012, I have dedicated my life to you alone. I once became distracted when we were separated, but I never cheated on you when we were together, I want you to have faith in me and know that when you are holding my hand, you are the only man I will ever look at. Since that argument, I have prayed to God simply asking for his help in making sure that we will live happily ever after. I am aware that you are concerned about this as well. If we wind up being together, I want us to break our tendency of taking something tiny and turning it into a pointless argument that ultimately hurts us both. Can we?? Can we create good memories as we grow older together? Can we start to enjoy life to the fullest by fostering each other’s development rather than imposing restrictions on one another? We only have one life to live; can we truly love, care for, and be happy for one another? If I were with you, this would be the only prayer and desire I would make to God. I blab to myself that I’m going to marry a guy who will become wealthy in the future while my parents assure me that we will find you a rich man. Being with you, my papu, I want to support you in anything you wish to do. I long for the day when I can declare to the world that you are mine now and forever.