Even when I’m hurt, I grin.

It’s been a while since I’ve opened this blog, and this blog knows that this girl only shows up when she’s in pain. I’m here today, yes blog, because I’m very hurt within. And as a result of this suffering, I simply vent my rage on my family and the people around me.

The intensity of this pain I’m experiencing right now will be clear to those who are also suffering and going through what I’m going through.

God only knows for sure if things are really falling apart or if i am overthinking and making a mess. I had been anticipating his birthday for a month, counting down the days and telling my mother that I would send him his favorite cake on his special day. I had even considered buying him an iPhone out of my savings, but my mother forewarned me, saying that she advised against doing so because previous gift-giving attempts had not gone well.

So I got that and said myself I could concentrate on getting better pay now so I won’t mind getting an iPhone from India at an Indian price, and I merely arranged for his cake surprise. However, it surprised me that he made his travel arrangements before his actual birthday, and on that day, he was somewhere between the hills, making it impossible for me to create any sort of surprise for him. All I could do on his birthday was ask for my friends’ assistance, and he then helped me develop a webpage on which I conveyed my sentiments and wished him a happy birthday. I never had the chance to express my sentiments to him, and he never showed any interest in doing so. I so reasoned that writing down my feelings in it could be a better idea. After twelve o’clock that day, my friend and I eagerly anticipated hearing his reaction to our surprise. I then advised my friend to go to bed so that we may possibly communicate in the morning. I was devastated the following morning because all of his responses to our efforts were simply “thank you for your wishes.” Even so, I forced myself to remain optimistic. Perhaps he is currently busy and between friends; if so, he might discuss this with me over the phone when he gets home, but it has been 10 days and I have not yet received a single call or message from him.

I already feel incredibly hurt and crushed, but I can’t tell my parents or siblings because they all know how much I’m into him right now. Every day, I hear my parents say, “When guests come, we’ll do this and we’ll do that,” but deep down, I beg God to make it happen in a way that is entirely positive. I sincerely hope that nothing is wrong; perhaps arrange marriages are intended to be this way only. In addition, not every guy is expressive and loving; some are born heartless aliens too, and he may be one of them.

I am going to make myself happy and positive again, even when no one is there for me. I am really happy to have god with me because I can really feel his love on me, which is why even after being completely alone, I can still smile and i know that everything will turn out for the better and positive. God would never let anyone down, especially those who are sincere from the heart, and I am certain that God is aware of the fact that I am not acting.